Sometimes we have to make a wrong choice.
Sometimes we have to make a wrong choice, because we have to learn.
Sometimes we have to make a wrong choice because we have to strengthen our resolve.
We have to make a wrong choice because we have to have our committment to ourselves tested and our willingness to follow our dreams questioned….
A little over a year ago, I made a wrong choice. I chose to continue a relationship with an organization that I loved in a manner that would dramatically inhibit me from pursuing my passions and my dreams.
No one made that choice for me.
I made that choice.
Were others complicit in my choice?
Were their individuals encircling me, afraid to acknowledge the looming psychological disaster that pursuing this endeavor would orchestrate?
Were there others around me, pushing me in this direction, even though they knew subconsciously, that this was not in my own creative best interest?
Yet even as others contributed to this pot, even as others fears,silence, trauma’s and wounds simmered in the stew, It was I who made this choice.
It was me.
I did this.
When I made the decision, I have to be honest, on some level I really didn’t realize what I was doing. I was so blocked by my fear and the bright shiny lights that I didn’t realize that I was on a one way road to resentment and rage.
That path became evident once the consequences of my decision became clearer. I was working on a project that was far too much for one individual, under expectations and objectives that in retrospect, were ambitiously irresponsible if not outright ridiculous. Those standards were constructed by me, with my input and often my sole directive. Naively I thought that I would be able to handle these responsibilities and still pursue my much broader career path. So you can imagine, when I came into a full consciousness of what I had created for myself, I was furious.
I kept wondering, How could I sell myself short? How could I forfeit my desires for fear of having my numbing sense of comfort stripped away? What opportunities was I missing because I took this road when I knew, had to know, must have known, somewhere deep in the pit of my soul that this was not what I was being called to do?
After having chances in the past to pursue my passion, how could I abandon me again? How could I let others coax me out of dreams and who I desired to be?
That rage and anger,which was at myself and should have been directed as such, predictably became projected on the organization. It was them, I was telling myself that were responsible for holding me hostage, preventing me from my dreams. Attempting to own my labor, own my talents...own me.
Initially I could not see nor did I understand that while they were complicit in the hijacking and the abandonement of my dreams… they were not responsible.
I moved to end our “formal” relationship and in the wake of this ending said some intense things. Some of the things I said spoke to the inequities of the ideas and products of that collective. I do not take them back.
I do however, have guilt over my timing choices and the energy through which those messages were channelled; which was primarily the spirit of ego and self righteous anger. I know that my actions could have been hurtful and frustrating to others..
so why would i enact such energies?
I think i was afraid that If I didn’t sever the bonds completely, I could be lulled back into the comfort that kept me complacent. It would become too lucrative to stay somewhere where it’s easy, versus going out there on a limb and doing what it is hard, but what is ultimately necessary for my growth. I felt I had to burn a bridge to make sure that no matter what happened, I wouldn’t turn back and forsake my destiny. I could have still ended this relationship differently. Those feelings are not excuses.
In the fray of ending this relationship. I lost connections with the people in this collective that I loved and cared for deeply. People who had, through the years I had been there, deeply loved, cared for and struggled with me.
I realized that me making my initial “wrong” choice to stay with them, it was not just about me being dominated by fear; it was also about me being dominated by love, and the concerns that I would lose a family that I cared for very deeply if I left and worked towards my own personal goals. Truth is, a big part of the reason I made the “wrong choice” because I didn’t want to make a choice that would mean losing them.
But In the end I lost that connection anyway.
It is A lesson learned.
And it is a lesson that you do not have to repeat.
Create your own path.
Conjure your own rainbows.
Don’t accept the continuim of colors canvassed before you as the only prisms of light possible. There are more.
The “wrong” choice, does not have to be your choice. And if you are in that choice now, if you have sojourned a path that you know will soon forsake you, I encourage you to do what I am trying to do everyday:
Forgive yourself. Transmute your rage. Transform your apathy. Channell it into any medium that makes a healing possible.
If there is nothing you can do for those who you have hurt, if they do not desire your presence or your company, You still have to do your work. You still have to look at you.
While in this essay I use the language of the “Wrong” choice in reality, there are no “wrong” choices, or “right” one’s for that matter. There are only choices that have consequences. Consequences that can hurt others even as they heal some. Consequences that people celebrate in one hemisphere, yet are oppressed by in another. Consequences that take us off on a path that we have to travel for our own learning. The consequences of those choices spiral off into infinity impacting much more than we as humans could ever imagine….
So make choices my friends. Consider the Consequences. Be accountable to the impact..and always..always.. Be open to the change the universe is always offering to you.
In the spirit of love, light and healing always